If We Survive
by LMB
Summary: What would have happened if everything hadn't gone as planned when Buffy and the scoobies fought the mayor in the ascension? A B/A fic
1. Chapter 1

Angel: (grabs her arm) I'm sorry. Buffy, you know how much I love you. It kills me to say this.  
  
Buffy: Then don't. Who are you to tell me what's right for me? You think I haven't thought about this?  
  
Angel: Have you, rationally?  
  
Buffy: No. No, of course not. I'm just some swoony little schoolgirl, right?  
  
Angel: I'm trying to do what's right here, okay? I'm trying to think with my head instead of my heart.  
  
Buffy: Heart? You have a heart? It isn't even beating!  
  
Angel: Don't.  
  
Buffy: Don't what? Don't love you? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know that I got a choice in that. I'm never gonna change. I can't change. I want my life to be with you.  
  
Angel: I don't.  
  
Buffy: You don't want to be with me? I can't believe you're breaking up with me.  
  
Angel: It doesn't mean that I don't ...  
  
Buffy: How am I supposed to stay away from you?  
  
Angel: I'm leaving. After the Ascension, after it's finished with the Mayor and Faith. If we survive, I'll go.  
  
Buffy: Where?  
  
Angel: I don't know.  
  
Buffy: Is this really happening?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Buffy turns and runs into the school with the Mayor in pursuit.  
  
Cut to the hall: Buffy opens the door and runs in. The Mayor barrels down the door and some of the surrounding wall as he pursues her. Buffy keeps running towards the library while the Mayor tears through the school like a freight train. Buffy runs into the library, vaults a banister looking back at the Mayor. The Mayor looks around the library and sees the barrels of diesel fuel and bags of fertiliser stacked everywhere. Buffy keeps running and jumps out of a window, but catches her foot as she does, falling backwards and landing on the library floor. Cut to the Mayor looking around and growling.  
  
Mayor (in his own voice that sounds like it is coming from the bottom of a rain barrel): "Well, gosh."  
  
Giles, crouching on the opposite side of the building with the detonator, notices only that the Mayor has entered the library, pushes the plunger and sets off the explosion.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Luckily, she was flung free of the explosion when the building blew as she was near the window. If it weren't for that, she wouldn't have had a chance at survival." The doctor said. "However, she's been subject to a lot of damage. A broken collar bone, wrist and two fractured legs, one at the hip. She also has large 3rd degree burns. I don't think she'll be out of here too soon."  
  
"But she'll be alright?" Joyce asked, her face showing her pain at seeing her daughter so badly injured.  
  
"Yes," The doctor smiled, "The bones will take a long time to heal, and her mobility might be impaired at first, but given time, she'll be 100%. I have to attend to my rounds now, but I'll be back to check on Buffy later this evening. If you've got any questions you want to ask then, I'd be happy to answer them." She reached out a hand and gave Joyce a reassuring squeeze of her shoulder and left the room.  
  
Buffy was lying in a hospital bed in the corner if the ward, the curtain pulled around her. A few bouquets and boxes of chocolates sat on a table at the end of her trolley, evidence of the visits by her friends to her bedside since the Mayor's ascension. But Buffy had been thrown hard from the Library and hit her head on a stone as she landed leaving her badly concussed. She had scarcely woken up since and seemed barely able to know who or where she was when she did. Joyce kept a vigil by her bed, but Xander, Willow and Giles were rarely to be found far away. As Joyce sat by her bedside, she stared at her daughter's expressionless face, colourless against the white cotton of the pillow. Joyce herself looked as if she hadn't slept for days, which was quite possibly correct, her eyes encircled by thick black lines, her skin matt and her eyes lacked their normal vitality. She put out her hand and touched Buffy's cheek lightly as a tear trickled down her own. She suddenly became aware that she was being watched and turned round to see who was looking at her. She viewed the man standing in the opening to the cubicle and, after a pause simply nodded to him.  
  
Angel sat down next to Joyce and took Buffy's hand in his.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
After a while Angel managed to persuade Joyce that it was okay if she left Buffy for a few minutes to get a cup of coffee. Still grasping her hand tightly, he looked directly at her eyes and suddenly felt as if his throat was too tight to breathe.  
  
"Buffy, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" he said, half choked with emotion. "I can't leave you. I wish I could, I know it would be better for all of us if I went. Better for you. But how can I stay away from you? Now more then ever. I need you and now…I - I think that you need me too. I'm so sorry that I put you through this…so sorry…" He trailed off, putting his head in his hands. But then he felt a slight movement on his hand. Looking up quickly, he saw her fingers twitching subtly and then her eyes flickered.  
  
"Angel…." She said. 


	2. Chapter 2

Six weeks had passed since she had woken up, and Buffy was about to attend another physio session. As she broken both her legs she had to remain in hospital until they healed and then relearn how to walk. She hated the fact that she had to be dependent on others, instead of herself. Since she'd learnt she was going to be the slayer she had been entirely independent of anyone else, in some ways she had to be – if she was being relied upon to save others, how could she rely on anyone else herself? Safe in the knowledge that she could protect herself, she had kept all her relationships with her friends and family so that she was in control. Now the sudden switch from being entirely able to look after herself to not being able to get from A to B without the aid of someone pushing her in a wheelchair was driving her mad. To the surprise of the doctors (although not her mum and the scoobies) she had, however, made great progress. Her bones had healed in half the time that most did and now she could, although not particularly gracefully, walk short distances after only a few weeks of working with the physiotherapy. The physiotherapy nurses had tried to persuade her to bring a close family member or friend with her to her sessions as they thought this might help, bringing in someone she loved to give moral support. But, Buffy was extremely proud and hated the idea that anyone would see her in the state she was. All her close confidants had known her as such a strong and powerful woman, and she insisted that they not see her struggling to do the most simple of tasks.  
  
"Miss Summers? Are you ready?" A pretty brunette nurse asked Buffy, breaking into her thoughts.  
  
"Uh…yeah. Yeah, I think I am" She replied. The nurse smiled at her as she helped her out of the bed and into a wheelchair to take her to the physio room. As she was wheeled along the corridor, Buffy looked at the ceiling of the corridors as they swiftly flowed passed her, the brown lines at the sides running along the length of it, speeding along with her, all the way from the ward to the gym. They stopped straight as the nurse turned her through the doors into the room. She glanced around it. The room was similar to a kindergarten gym, with bars on the walls. A number of treadmills lined the walls, along with an exercise bike and the parallel bars that were used as aids to people before they could walk. Buffy had spent 30 minutes on those daily for the past 3 weeks, since her casts had been removed and had learnt to despise them, associating them with her lack of strength. But then she scanned over the chair in the corner, and noticed it wasn't empty. It was Angel.  
  
"What?…..I thought I'd said that…"  
  
"I know," the nurse said firmly. "But we really do think that it would help. I've seen first hand how help from a close friend or relation can speed up recovery and increase progress. I just have to insist."  
  
Buffy opened her mouth to speak, but stopped. She really hated being in hospital, even such a prolonged stay in Sunnydale General had not helped her get over that. If having someone there was going to get her out of here quicker, she was prepared to swallow her pride. She looked from the nurse to Angel, and immediately felt that her decision was a good one. No one could make her feel comfortable the way she was, but if anyone was going to put her at ease at all, it was going to be him.  
  
"Buffy, if you'd like to come forward, we'll start on the parallel bars" the nurse suggested gently. Buffy placed her hands on each arm of the wheelchair and braced herself to push herself out of her seat. She summoned as much strength as she could and shifted forward to place her body weight on her arms. Compensating for her weak wrist since it was broken, she leaned to the left slightly and placed her feet gingerly on the ground. As she started to put some force onto her feet she felt pain shoot up her legs. She didn't use them the greater proportion of the time, it caused her immense pain when she put weight on them and doing so caused it to feel as if a huge nail was being pushed up into her legs through her feet. Unconsciously she let out a cry as she stumbled forward. She braced herself for impact but felt her fall break as she was lifted off the floor. Looking to see who had grabbed her, she immediately recognised the eyes she was looking into. Her legs still aching terribly, she flung her arms around his neck to support herself as he lowered her onto the floor.  
  
"Shhh, don't worry….you'll be fine, shhh….." he whispered soothingly to her, calming her down from the shock. As he held her in a sitting position. She buried her head in his should, weeping, as he stroked her hair gently.  
  
"Shhh…..shh…."  
  
********************************** 


	3. Chapter 3

The nurse had allowed Buffy to return to her bed immediately after she had calmed down a bit. She didn't think she was going to able to make any proper progress in both the mental and physical position she was in after her fall. She turned over to face the wall, looking away from Angel as he sat by her bed as tears silently feel down her cheeks. She felt a hand on her arm.  
  
"Buffy, you'll get better, you know that."  
  
She remained silent. She didn't want to look at him after how he had just seen her. The slayer, not even able to stand. She had suffered a blow to her pride and the embarrassment was immense. She clasped the pillow as tightly as she could and her knuckles turned white as the tears hit the fabric, the wetness spreading along the fibres as she watched.  
  
"Buffy, you'll get better," Angel repeated. "I'll make sure that you do. I won't ever leave you until you're able to look after yourself. When you can't, I'll always be here."  
  
Buffy wiped the tears from her cheeks.  
  
"But that's exactly it," Buffy said, almost inaudibly. "I don't want to be protected."  
  
"I know it's hard," Angel replied. "I spent the best part of 100 years living on the streets, eating rats. I hid from everyone and everything, good or otherwise. I was in as bad a situation as even an animal would feel disgusted to be in and I turned my back on the world. I might not be human but I still had some pride."  
  
Buffy's tears stopped as she listened to Angel's voice. She started to feel less isolated than she had since the explosion. Angel carried on.  
  
"But you have people. People who care about you, people who would do anything to help you. Just because your body is failing you don't let that weaken your mind. You are strong Buffy, even if you can't slay a vampire or chase a demon right now. You don't need to prove anything to anyone."  
  
Buffy remained almost completely still but reached out her hand to his and squeezed it tightly.  
  
"I'm glad you're here."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Your sure you haven't left anything behind?"  
  
"Yes, Mum!" Buffy grinned. "It's only 5 minutes down the road anyway!"  
  
She was leaving the hospital, 9 weeks now after her accident. Since the first time Angel had come with her, he'd attended every physio session with her (which were fatefully just after dark), helping her in her exercises, holding her hand in the literal sense. At the start she had still found it very hard in front of him and it affected her progress, but within a few sessions she began to adjust and feel more comfortable and her recovery seemed to have been put on turbo drive. It had taken her 3 weeks of the predicted 5 until she was deemed well enough to be discharged to go home and attend only 2 physio sessions per week as an outpatient. As Joyce started the car and exited the hospital car park, Buffy looked out the window at the trees whizzing past as they sped along the carriageway back home. She was really looking forward to getting home, going to sleep in her own bed and snuggling up with Mr. Gordo. It was also an exceptionally nice day with bright sun and sky combined with a light breeze, just how California is supposed to be.  
  
"I've cooked you your favourite meal, you know," her Mum said as she indicated to turn into the Summer's family home. "And I've rented Thelma and Louise…thought we could watch it together this evening…of course if you're too tired I…"  
  
"…It sounds great mum." Buffy said, cutting in. Joyce got out of the car and walked round to help her daughter out of her seat. With almost no assistance, Buffy was able to walk from the car to the door and then sat down on the couch in the sitting room as her mum went off to attend to the cooking. After a few episodes of Sally Jesse and Oprah dinner was ready and Buffy revelled in the simple comfort of being able to sit in her own home and eat home cooked food with her mum.  
  
"It's nice to have you home honey," Joyce said halfway through the meal. "It means I don't have to worry about you anymore. I know how you hate hospitals, and when you weren't awake…" She trailed off.  
  
"Mum, It doesn't matter. I'm home now, and it would be easier for everyone if we all moved on as soon as possible. And I'm glad I'm home too" Buffy added, smiling.  
  
An hour later, they were seated in the sitting room again, with the lights off and Thelma and Louise on the TV. Suddenly, however, the doorbell rang. Joyce frowned slightly, trying to think of who it might be calling round. She brushed the blanket that covered Buffy and herself off her knees and pushed herself off the sofa to go and answer the door. She peered through the window and saw Angel standing outside. "Who else would it be," she thought to herself as she opened the door. "Dropping round unannounced after dark?"  
  
"Good evening Joyce. I came round to see Buffy…she's home now, I hope?"  
  
"Yes, Yes she is. She's through there," Joyce replied, nodding towards the lounge. She turned round and returned to the room with Angel following her close behind.  
  
"Buffy…" She said, gaining her daughters attention. Buffy looked up to see who their visitor was.  
  
"Hi…" She said, smiling at Angel. He smiled back.  
  
Joyce grabbed the remote control and stopped the video and, having thrown them a slightly knowing glance, turned to leave the room.  
  
"I'll, uh, leave you two alone then." She said as she exited the lounge.  
  
"I'm sorry, I wasn't interrupting anything was I?" Angel asked.  
  
"No, nothing that can't be postponed until the next time I come back from 9 weeks away from home," Buffy joked. "Seriously though, how come you're here?"  
  
"I wanted to drop by and see how you were doing" Angel replied, sitting down next to her.  
  
"But there's something else. If the past 3 years of being around you have taught me anything, it's when you've got something on your mind…you get that sorta intense look," Buffy said as she studied his face, her eyes searching his as she tried to read what it was that was concerning him.  
  
"There is something else, yes. I've been speaking to a few contacts and I've decided that it's time…"  
  
"Time for what?" Buffy said, carefully.  
  
"…Time for me to leave. I'm going to LA, in about 2 weeks. Once you're up and patrolling again, I'm leaving Sunnydale." 


	4. Chapter 4

"Leaving?" The word echoed around Buffy's head. They sounded strange, alien…unreal. "But you – you…." She trailed off.  
  
"I have to go. If we survive, remember?" Angel replied softly. "In a few weeks you'll be back to full strength and you won't need me anymore." Tears started to roll down Buffy's cheeks as she stared at Angel.  
  
"I do need you…I'll always need you. You can't just…just up and leave and think that I can forget about you. It doesn't work like that. How can you say I'll be ok?" She pleaded.  
  
"I love you. More then I ever thought I could love someone. I stayed because it would help you. But if I stay now, I'll never be able to leave." Angel replied. He lifted his hands up to her cheek and gently wiped away the tears with his thumb. "Nothings changed Buffy. I still love you, but I can't stay here. You can't have a life with me and I can't force you to. I have to go. I have to." As he sat there looking at Buffy, who he loved more then he had ever loved anything in the world, with such a pleading look in her eyes he was tempted to stay. He couldn't bare to leave her, to not be near her everyday, to hold her, smell her. But it was because of his feelings that he had to go.  
  
"How am I supposed to go on living if you're not with me?" Buffy asked, mutely.  
  
"How can you if I am?"  
  
Buffy flung her arms around Angels neck and held him as if she were going to lose him if she let go.  
  
"I can believe this is it. I can't believe that you're going." She said quietly as she cried silently. Angel stroked her hair gently and it took all his strength not to say he would stay.  
  
"I'll always be with you. Always." He said, holding Buffy tightly. The two sat there in silence, not wanting to let go.  
  
*************************  
  
It was pitch black as Buffy slipped her house key in the lock and slowly pushed back the door as she arrived home from her first patrol since the accident. Silently she dislodged her shoes from her feet and laid them neatly by the door before tip-toeing up the stairs trying as hard as she could not to wake her mother. She opened the door to her room carefully and stopped dead staring at her bed. A single tear rolled down her cheek. Now she had arrived in the sanctuary of her room her resolve rapidly began to fade and emotions came flooding to the surface. A sob emitted from her as she lay herself down on her bed.  
  
Gone.  
  
Left her alone, without the one person she felt she had nothing to hide from. Nothing to live up to.  
  
LA. A long way from Calafornia.  
  
Gone..  
  
How was she supposed to carry on with her life. Without him. Without a part of her.  
  
Where to go next time she had news.  
  
Next time she needed help.  
  
Next time she needed someone just to hold her.  
  
Kiss her.  
  
Love her.  
  
Gone.  
  
Another life. Without her.  
  
What if he forgot her.  
  
He wouldn't. He couldn't.  
  
Could he?  
  
Sun rise in a few hours. First day without him.  
  
First of many.  
  
Many days ahead he wouldn't be in.  
  
More then he had been there for.  
  
Gone.  
  
How to survive.  
  
*************************  
  
"Buffy? Buffy? Buffy!" Willow shook her friend.  
  
"Oh! I'm sorry Will I….I was somewhere else for…uh…a second…" Buffy muttered, still staring at the space behind her best friends head.  
  
"You've been somewhere else for the past week. I'm worried, Buffy. Are you Okay?" She asked, concern obvious in her face.  
  
"Okay is not quite how I'd describe the place I'm at. I'm trying to get myself together. And I'm not doing that too well." Buffy said quietly.  
  
The two girls were sitting in the University Cafeteria on their first day at Sunnydale U. It was 3 weeks now since Angel had left Sunnydale and Willow was becoming increasingly worried that her best friend didn't seemed to have progressed since then. She'd thought that starting college would help, give her something to take her mind of him and start something new. All it seemed to have done however was upset her more. It wasn't the start of something new to Buffy. It was the start of something without Angel. Willow studied her best friend's face. Her eyelids were only half open and the shadows below them made her look ill. She was pale and her hair was pulled back into a bun, unbrushed. Willow didn't think she'd seen her put on any make up for weeks. It pained her to see someone she loved so much so disaffected.  
  
"Come on. We need to go and get some books" Willow said, gently.  
  
*************************  
  
The road signs rolled by as Willow stared out of the window of the greyhound bus that she was sitting on. The 11.43 Sunnydale to LA.  
  
************************* 


	5. Chapter 5

"She was a really, really pretty girl. No she, she was a hottie girl. She, she had - I mean - her hair was... You know? - -You kind of remind me of her. Because, because – you know – the hair. I mean – the hair." Angel stared at the person sitting next to him. They stared back. He tried to focus on them but this required effort and he failed.  
  
"Excuse me…"  
  
He vaguely heard a voice he recognised. Sounded quite far away.  
  
"Excuse me, can I come through please…"  
  
He knew that voice. Buffy?  
  
"Can I just squeeze past here..."  
  
No, wasn't Buffy. The voice got nearer and he came to realise that the speaker was standing right in front of him.  
  
"Angel?"  
  
Aaaaaaaaaah. Willow. Willow was nice. Willow was his friend. Willow was….Willow was…and with that he feel off his stool.  
  
*************************  
  
Angel opened his eyes with quite a bit of difficulty. They were painful and rather sticky. Once he managed to focus and sharpen his vision, he saw Willow standing over him. Looking around, he saw he was in a motel room. He had a vague recollection of seeing Willow last night.  
  
"You're awake?" Willow asked.  
  
"Mmmn. What are you…doing here?" He asked as he managed to sit himself up.  
  
"To talk" Willow replied, handing him a cup of black coffee. "This'll help. And I thought Vampires didn't drink"  
  
"We can, we just don't need to. You could have picked up the phone to talk. Why come to LA?"  
  
"Because I've spent the last 3 weeks watching my best friend lose any kind of vitality she might have had piece by piece. I don't want to watch that anymore and she doesn't deserve it."  
  
"She'll get over it, what other choice is there? I left for a reason and that reason hasn't changed."  
  
"No, it hasn't," Willow said. She fixed his gaze pointedly. "But was that reason a good one to start off with?"  
  
"I believe it was. If I hadn't then I wouldn't have left. You know that as well as I do, Willow" Angel replied, breaking eye contact almost as soon as it had been gained. "I love Buffy. I always will. But that's why I left. She deserves a normal life, she deserves a normal boyfriend, she…"  
  
"Angel, she doesn't want a normal boyfriend! She wants you! She doesn't care about…anything now you're not there. She's the strongest person I've ever met, but she's only human – she depends on you and that won't just change by moving cities. You're not doing her a benefit by leaving, you're destroying her."  
  
Now Angel looked directly at her. Studied her, mulling over her expression, taking it in. Slowly he started to speak.  
  
"Our lives aren't our own to do with what we will. There are higher powers that deign where we should be and what she should do. If I'm with Buffy then I can't guarantee that we will be fulfilling that duty."  
  
"But" Willow began, equally calmly. "Isn't anyone, warrior or not, denying that higher power by resisting the love that you have for another?"  
  
Silence filled the room. As neither spoke.  
  
"There's a night bus to Sunnydale. It leaves at 10.50"  
  
*************************  
  
"Little is known about the workings of the brain. All that a student of Psychology has to go on is theories and evidence that supports and contradicts them. If you'll turn to page 306 of your textbook, you'll see a description of the Psychodynamic approach to attachment theory." Professor Walsh orated, as her class all opened their books to the page she had requested.  
  
Buffy, however, was the only member of the group to leave her book unopened in her bag, not aware of the professor's lecture. The words hit her ears, went through, but never registered. She was in an almost permanent semi- haze and even in her first ever college lecture, she was unable to pay attention. The class passed, and went, and she moved to the next one, repeating this process like a machine throughout the day. Willow had arranged for them to share a dorm and at the end of the day she returned to the room, no even noticing that her best friend wasn't there, and hadn't come home that night. She lay on her bed, staring into space, almost motionless as she listened to her breathing. She barely noticed it get dark outside as time passed. It was as if the power switch had been flicked on her brain and she was running on auto-pilot, not thinking or emoting about the tasks she performed.  
  
It got late. She remained in the same position.  
  
In the back of her mind, Buffy was aware it was night. A soft knock came on the door. She looked at the entrance to the room but didn't answer. The door opened slightly.  
  
"Buffy? Are you here?" Willows voice came through.  
  
"Hmmn"  
  
"Buffy?" But this wasn't Willow. Suddenly, something clicked, and Buffy became suddenly acutely aware of her surroundings, and particularly the person walking through the door, walking towards her. Angel. Angel was here. Angel had come back.  
  
"How…what…you….you're here…I – I…." She tried to talk. Tried to put into words the emotions that she felt but she couldn't. Sometimes words aren't enough. Buffy stood up off the bed and walked towards Angel. She reached out her hand to touch his cheeks. Gently, she traced her fingers along the line of his cheek then his jaw as she searched his eyes with hers.  
  
"I though I'd lost you…" she whispered.  
  
"You never could."  
  
He placed his hand at the nape of her neck, massaging slightly as he rolled strands of hair between his fingers. He urged her towards his, brushing her lips with his own as lightly as he could. She responded instinctively, drawing him in as their kiss deepened and became more passionate. Waves of pleasure flew over Buffy as she felt for the first time in more than four months that everything was as it should be, everything was in its place. Their lips parted.  
  
"How come you came back?" She asked, breathless as she rested in his arms.  
  
"Survival isn't everything." 


End file.
